Sometimes I sit here rubbing my tummy and missing the kicks. I miss that special feeling of knowing I'm caring for something in a way no one else can. I miss the excitement of waiting for the day to come when I get to look in the eyes of my baby/ies for the first time.
Yeah where the hell did that come from? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! lmao...WOW let me catch my breath.....wooooh.
No really though I do miss my pregnancies. I mean really how could I not after EVERYTHING we went through. People have NO IDEA what it feels like to be "infertile" unless YOU are. Not your brothers wife, cousins sister, uncle sisters friend or your dog. Unless its YOU and your spouse personally you have NO IDEA what it's like. Words can't explain that helpless feeling. Where there are days you wish for a miscarriage just to know you CAN get pregnant. Days you cry for hours not just because of the sadness but because you are on a hormonal cocktail that puts PMS & Menopause to shame. Days that turn into weeks, months.....years. That truly doesn't even skim the surface of infertility.
To feel this way, to think you may NEVER hold your own child, well it breaks you in aways. A way that can't be explained. A way that only others who have this tattoo on there hearts as well know. To think that I would never see a child with my lips & Jose's unruly curls. It was enough to kill me inside for years. Of course during it all I had on the "happy yet secretly want to kill you" face. Which again unless you've been there you have no idea. The face you put on when a friend says they are expecting after being with a guy for 3 months. The face you put on when you go to other peoples baby showers or births. That "face" it stays with you. A scar forever b/c you can truly never be happy when you can't have what is SUPPOSED to come naturally to EVERY women. The one thing we were SUPPOSED to be MADE for.
So what were broken? Why can't we be fixed then? Are us "infertile" women that old car that sits in the garage b/c know one can seem to make it run right? No no. NO! We are the select few that are made STRONGER b/c of what we are FORCED to go through. We are made from a different mold you see. A mold that can NOT be broken. We are the women who dont let anything take us down. We WILL pee on that damn stick 1,000 times until a second line shows up! We will buy $500 worth of sticks off the internet b/c what if your afternoon urine is stronger or what if the first was a dud? We will NOT give up b/c we want what is our RIGHT to have. We want what comes to the rest of you so easily. We want what you don't think twice about & b/c of this there is NOTHING like the love of an "infertile" mother. NOTHING! You'll never understand unless YOU have been there. You'll never get the obsession. The drive that keeps us taking pills, attacking our husbands when the OPK is +, poking ourselves with needles & peeing on anything that could tell us something we don't already know.
This is the drive. The drive I felt for way to long. So how do I turn it off? How do I shut down that part of my brain that has pushed me to get what I though I would never have. The answer is I can't. I will always miss being pregnant. I'll always miss the kicks but I'm stronger for that weakness. It gives me compassion that others dont understand. I have NO shame in being "infertile". I'm proud to have been one of the lucky few to hold my children and I know that when I see another person who is part of the "club" a simple "I've been there too" is enough to comfort. That makes me stronger. That makes me special not different. It makes me understand things other dont. It makes me who I am today.....the women who STRUGGLED for years to become pregnant & finally did. One of the lucky ones. One of the few. So the next time you talk to an "infertile" person please dont pity them b/c they have something you dont.... a special tattoo over there hearts, a place in a club where they are made stronger and a love that will know no boundaries.
So when people ask me if we want more kids I may say no but that special tattoo always gives me a little flutter & I have to remind myself that there is always room for more. It may not be any time soon but how could I let my fellow club members down & close a door that was nearly sealed shut at one point. So to all of you that ask.....No I may not want any more kids now but I will always want more later.
Infertility is not a disease or cruse it is merely a test of the strongest among us. A test we may not pass but will always benefit from. So please don't pity us b/c we are better then that.
