Wednesday, January 7, 2015

The untold ending and the new beginning

It's been years....years since I updated this blog. I've had comments from family, friends and even random strangers asking "What happened???"

I guess the short answer The longer answer takes me through a journey I never thought I'd see. One that tested everything I knew about myself, my kids and my family.

I can now divide my life into two parts. The part where everything I ever knew ended and the beginning of something amazing happening....

"The untold ending"

I wish the ending to this chapter in my life was great, but it wasn't. It was emotionally draining, confusing and down right depressing.

I think most of us have this need to project a certain appearance to the world. One we attempt to hold up at all costs....even the cost of our own happiness. I can't say I didn't know what was happening, only that I didn't want the world to know how unhappy I really was. I can't say I even remember when it started exactly. I know it started before 2011 but the exact time is a blur. At some point in 2011 my marriage came to a screeching halt and with it my projection of a perfect life crumbled. Cheating, was all things I knew happened to others, but not me...I was living the perfect life. How could this happen to ME? I prefer to keep the details to a minimum but lets say things ended really bad. The discovery of another child conceived during my marriage was enough of a tipping point to wake me up from my "daydream" of fixing things. I felt like I was thrown into a deep, dark hole and as more things happened and more truths were told the light was starting to disappear. My kids are the only reason I ate, got out of bed and functioned. I lived and breathed for them. My heart hurt, I felt betrayed, judged and depressed. During all of this I had a life line I didn't even know about. A recent friendship made, one that I didn't take a second glance at...not until he opened the dark hole I was laying in and showed me the light....

"The new beginning"

The Netherlands....yes that is a country (now about 80% of people reading this will have to google where it is but if I said "Holland" about 60% still wouldn't know where it is. After saying "Amsterdam" that drops to about 30% of people still in the dark of this magical wonderful place). So what does this small country have to do with my new life? It's where it all started...

I meet the person who would turn out to be my best friend in the entire world online. They lived in the Netherlands. At first I didn't pay much attention to this new friendship, I've made a lot over the years and I was in a very dark place emotionally. Apparently they knew something I didn't. Call it a feeling, a calling...whatever...but they didn't give up on me. Not like everyone else that just assumed my life was still great or that I would "get over what was happening". No this special person told me "don't accept less than what you deserve" but what did I deserve?...Happiness? a chance to be happy? I didn't know and it didn't matter. They encouraged me. They nurtured me. They showed me how to live again. I often say that it was like looking into a bright light....that blinding feeling of having to trust yourself to jump without "seeing" and jump I did....right into the arms of an amazing Dutchman.

Jori- He was never what I expected. Heck he still isn't lol. He makes me laugh when I want to cry, he wipes away my tears and fights away my fears. He holds me "just because he can" and he kisses me "just because he can't get enough". I never believed in a "soulmate" but if I did...he is mine. My other half, the burning light in my heart. I never knew I could love someone more than myself or my children. At first I thought it might be "unhealthy" to feel this way. Our society sure makes you feel that way but what I have with him is the healthiest relationship in the world. I pray my daughters find what we share someday. This soul deep connection, this unending love.

On Sept 28th 2012 I married the man that saved me, not from my ex but from myself. I thought I knew love. I thought I knew connection, hell I thought I knew everything lol But then he entered my life. He changed me in a way no one ever has or ever will. It's not about the man he is, it's about the women he makes me want to be.

"Even on the darkest days you are my sunlight, even when it's pouring you are my umbrella and during the toughest storms you are my rock.
They say when you met that other part of your soul you just know. Some people search forever for that perfect other half. I am so grateful that I found mine when I did. So grateful for all the lessons you taught me, the forgiveness, the love, the compassion and the humility.
You make me laugh when I want to cry and you make my soul sing when it wants to run. You are imperfectly perfect in my eyes and I love you so very much."

I forgave my ex, but most important I forgave myself. In doing so I set myself free. I can love without condition and feel without bounds.

"True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly" He sees me perfectly <3

Now onto the kids...

Nevaeh- My bright wonderful daughter. Always the "Mommy". She progressed into school with a bang. Making her friends and teachers adore her. The twins on the other hand were drove nuts with her constant hoovering and telling on them. The "sisterly rivalry" started early in this house lol. Nevy's temper still gets the best of her and of course she is stubborn as a mule but she has this heart of gold that just makes you melt. I still can't believe she is 7 years old. She is my A student and our family athlete. Always busy and never idle. To see the beautiful girl she has grown into has been a blessing. The extraordinary women she will be some day makes me so very proud of her.

Arianna- My little took awhile for her to find her inner butterfly. Many many Dr. appts, specialists and therapists. We learned that she was born with Hypotonia (low muscle tone), sensory processing disorder and left sided weakness. She has been a trooper through it all. Every day she surprises me with how she won't give up. She is so smart and pays attention to details others miss. Very much my "book worm". At 5 years old she is still my smallest child. Fitting into 3T clothes and tiny on the growth chart but no worries what she lacks in size she makes up in attitude lol. She still has so much to learn but I see her determination will never leave her and I adore her for this.

Araceli- Still my "Silly Celi". She has a temper and stubbornness to rival Nevy's but some of the best humor I could ask for. Always my caring child. She loves babies and always asks if someone is okay. She makes friends with ease and loves to color. Her jokes are not always funny but her personality makes you smile no matter how hard you try not to. She is my cuddler and baby still even at 5 years old. Celi has a spirit that is contagious. She will make an amazing mother some day. As it is now we have to stop her from trying to steal other peoples babies. Her caring heart makes her my most precious child.

So what happened to me??

I grew up, I opened my eyes to a better world. One where I don't pretend to be happy but truly am. As my scars have healed so has my heart. I look forward to everyday with my children and could not ask for a better step-father and partner. My kids adore Jori and love him as much (if not more) that I do. He is the glue that brought us back together. I am back to being a SAHM (stay at home mom) though my time in the work force was short. I realized my children need me more now than ever. I don't want to miss a second of their lives. They have grown in what feels like a blink of the eye. I cherish every moment of everyday I spend with them.

So that is the ending and the beginning of my life. This blog started as a way for me to remember a small part of my life. I won't take down or rewrite the past because the past is what made me who I am today. It reminds me of the good times and the bad. And who knows maybe I will blog my next pregnancy too....


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Almost ONE YEAR!!

The Twins will be turning ONE in less then 2 weeks! Wow where did the time go...

Well I'll tell you...the time went to changing about 18 diapers a day, making & cleaning 20 bottles a day, feeding them 9 jars of baby food per day & of course devoting every minute of my day to loving & caring for them. Yeah that sums up the last year that went by in the blink of an eye! lol

The kids are really doing great!

Arianna is FINALLY crawling (insert happy Mommy dance here) Woot Woot!! I guess therapy is helping her a LOT! The down side is that she is crawling with her legs spread out instead of on her knees thanks to her low tone. Though she is super flexible that isn't always a good thing. Crawling around in a splits position doesn't seem like it feels good either. So her PT wants us to put her in HipHelpers which are shorts she wears under her clothes that stop her legs from spreading to far. I know it's going to help her a lot & I'm excited for her fitting next week. Other then that she is right on track or advanced for all her fine motor & speech skills. She is so determined & love her so much for that ;)

Araceli is every where. She gets into everything lol! She is getting a lot better at standing & cruising along furniture which means less falls (insert Mommy no longer needing heart medication dance lol). She is going to be walking very soon. She can already take a few steps before falling & she loves to push her walker around the house. She of course is right on target or advanced for everything.

She reminds me so much of Nevy which could explain why those two bumps heads so much. I swear Celi & Nevy are always fighting lol. You would think the Twins would fight (which they do sometimes)but 95% of the time it's Celi & Nevy lol. Ari usually just watches & waits for them to be distracted & sneaks in to steal the toy they were fighting over lol.

Nevaeh is loving school. She has so much fun. I love all the new things she learns & all the great things she makes. Really this program is soooo good for her!

As for everything else....

Gramp is doing great! Came home Friday & is back to sort of normal. He can't lift heavy things or drive. Other then that he is his normal pain in the butt self & I'm sure he is driving my Gram nuts lol.

As for Jose & work...well thats a long story & he's still trying to figure things out. He has some other companies wanting him & offering him a lot of money. So the poor guy is stuck in the middle right now & doesnt know if he will stay or leave.

As for me I'm doing pretty good. I caught the kids cold but seems to be pretty mild (so far anyway). I've just been busy with holiday & party plans for the Twins. I hope to see all of you at their 1st b-day party Dec. 5th!! (check your Facebook EVENTS for the invites!)

Well until next time which will probably be after the TWINS ARE ONE!!! lol



Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Time just passes by..

Wow it's been over a month since my last post. I'm so sorry everyone. Things have been nuts!! As usual! lol

I guess I'll start back on 9/22 when the girls had their 9 month (almost 10) check up.

Araceli was 18lbs 15oz (40th %tile) & 28 1/8 inches tall (60th %tile).
Arianna was 17lbs 9oz (20th %tile) & 27 1/4 inches tall (25th %tile).

Everything was great & on track for both girls. They also got their flu shots.

Now for an "over the month update".....

Arianna~ She is doing so well with thearpy. It shocks me to see her progress since this all started. She couldn't even hold her head up & now she sits totally unsupported, she can get from sitting to laying, rolls all over the place & now scoots across the floors. She is starting to self feed & is blah blahing up a storm lol. She has done so well & I'm so proud of her! She is such a calm baby & loves to just sit & play with her toys. No teeth yet though! :)

Araceli~ Ah yes my little "Dare Devil"! Celi is now crawling on her hands & knees, pulling up on everything, attempting to walk with furniture, taking steps but falling & pretty much doing anything that will cause me to have a heart attack! She is crazy! She is also getting her first tooth!! Her top left tooth broke the gum today & she is about to get her top right & bottom two any day now! Which means four teeth at once & a totally crabby butt!! I'm surprised since Nevy didn't get her first until almost 15 months & she got 6 at once!!

I've been teaching the girls ASL & they are starting to understand the signs. It's so cute. Celi got "milk" really fast & uses it whenever she wants something to drink. Ari knows "all done" & will sign it right as I'm about to put the spoon in her mouth which sends food flying. She of course thinks this is funny.

The Twins are getting so big. They are starting to fight over things & get into everything. I can't believe their 1st b-day is only 5 weeks away!! It feels like yesterday....

As for Nevy... well she is 100% potty trained. No diapers at night or anything. She is LOVING school so much! This week is her Halloween party which she will be a witch for. The twins will be Tom Arma black cats for Halloween lol.

As for everyone else...

Well I'm ok I guess. Just been really upset about my Grandpa needing surgery soon. I know he needs it but I'm just worried about his age & health.

Jose is business as usual. Working working working! His boss is in deep do-do so there maybe an open position sometime soon....hope he gets it lol wink wink!!

Well thats it for now! Happy Halloween everyone!! Be safe, enjoy the candy & try not to gain to much lol!!


Friday, September 10, 2010

I live in a zoo with 3 monkeys too!

I know....I know! I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted. Things were a little nuts with surgery & life. :)

The twins are doing pretty good. They both have Nevy's cold now & Ari has been running a high temp but other then that they are well.

Arianna has been under the weather for over a week now but she is doing much better with fine motor skills. She can pass objects, pick things up & feed herself. She has been holding her bottle a lot more as well. She is sitting VERY well unsupported & loves to play in her playpen. She is becoming the talkative one....hummm wonder where that came from ;).....she blah blah & da da da us to death lol. She does pay way more attention to detail then Celi does & seems to focus more on the little things like "why does mommy have tape all over her tummy" or "I wonder what will happen if I try to pull said tape off mommy". Yeah that wasn't fun! Ari is now 17lbs 7oz (25th %tile) & 25 1/2 inches (5th %tile) she is my shorty.... like her parents lol. The only "short" kid we have!

Araceli....oh my little devil baby. I swear it's a good thing I've had life insurance on this kid since birth. I tell you she is going to give me a heart attack! Celi seem to believe that you have to throw yourself into everything. Nothing is done with peace or calm. She is a tornado! She flings herself everywhere & doesn't care where she lands or what body part she bumps....daddy's tomboy in the making I tell you! Celi still wont crawl on her hands & knees. She likes to scoot, pull crawl. I think the hardwood floors hurt her knees but trust me it doesn't stop her. She is now learning how to pull herself up on stuff & throw major tantrums. Yesterday she banged her head off the highchair for 10mins b/c I would give her another cracker. She already had 6! Guess that would explain why she is fatter then Ari lol. She is now 18lbs 6oz (45th %tile) & 26 3/4 inches (20th %tile).

Nevaeh my little pumpkin is her usual self. Nevy is about 31-32lbs (50th %tile) & 38inches(70th %tile). She is growing so fast! Nevy is totally potty trained now! YAY! Even at night & when we go out. She starts school Tuesday & it soooo excited about it. She can't wait to wear her new Dora shoes lol. Her speech shocks me daily. There are things you don't expect her to understand but she totally does. She shocks me when she repeats things you didn't even know she heard lol.

For wouldn't give me the remote the other night so joking around I called him a "butthead". Nevy was in her room...down the hall....with her TV on. Next thing I know she comes in our room & tells Jose "Daddy why does your head smell like a butt?" OMG I almost died laughing. It was to funny. Poor Jose didn't think it was so funny & then of course I had to explain to Nevy thats not nice to say but it was still funny lol.

As for me I doing pretty good. Healing well from surgery. I go in Tuesday for my follow up & should have the results of my liver biopsy. Which I hope everything is ok. The surgery made me lose even more weight so now I'm down about 22lbs. Which I knew would happen since I was pretty sick the first few days & then of course the week before as well. I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again though.

Jose...yeah I guess I'll do a fast update about him too lol....has had some very good spotlight on him the last few weeks b/c of sales at his store. He runs that place awesome & the VP is finally starting to notice. So talks have been in the works & he "may" be getting a promotion to a higher position at a new store & a raise but as you all know CarQuest will promise you the moon & stars but rarely deliver them. So we will see. They can't ignore his potentional much longer b/c other big name companies have been sniffing around Jose for years waiting for him to get tired of their crap. He has had offers from 3 other companies but turned them down. He's made a lot of friends in high places working at CarQuest & he's good friends with most of the shops they deliver to & doesn't want to leave but with 3 kids money is now more important then the friendship...or so he tells me. Men I tell you! Can't live with them....can't.....nope thats pretty much it lol.

Well until next time....which who knows when that will be lol. I'm lucky to shower most days let alone take 10 mins to type all this out. As I type Celi is crawling acrossed my lap trying to push keys, Ari is swinging her bottle around letting formula fly & Nevy is on the kitchen floor crying for yogurt.....yeah gotta go! :P


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Surgery & baby food

Well as most of you already know I had a gallstone attack last week which put me in the ER. So I have gallbladder surgery set for Sept. 2nd. I have things lined up for the kids but I'm still worried about the surgery. I hate the idea of going under general & a machine breathing for me. It's a scary thought & I'm trying very hard NOT to think about it.

As for the girls....

I go to register Nevy next week for pre pre-school. She is going 2 days a week (Tues & thurs) in the afternoon. She is soooo excited. Nothing new really going on with Nevy just her usual funny comments & weird games lol.

The twins are getting big! They will be 9 months on the 30th! Arianna is doing so much better. She talks up a storm with lots of "dada" "mama" & "baba" lol. Celi looks at her like "shut up already!" lol. Celi is crawling forward....when she wants to anyway. It's more of a drag you knees crawl but at least she's trying! Ari wants to move so bad. You see her little legs going so fast but she doesnt go any where lol. She'll get there soon!

The girls are now eating soilds 3 times a day. I've been making a lot of their baby food which is REALLY easy & saves soooo much money. I made 4 different kinds if baby food today & it only took me 20 mins. It will last about a week! I made Avocado yogurt (which is sooo good. even Nevy eats it!), Mango & peach with cinnamon, Peach & pear with cinnamon & Chicken with apples. Yep & it only took 20 mins!

As for me...

Jose missed me being a red-head (I actually have a lot of red in my hair naturally. It was a strawberry blonde-brown as a baby) So I let him pick out a color. It turned into a nice bright (yet still dark) red. Since I had highlights before I dyed it I get different shades of red in the light. I like it a lot & so does Jose ;)
I've also lost 17lbs in the last 8 weeks! Yay me!

Well thats it. Wish me luck with the surgery. I hope I can give another update before I go in b/c who knows when I'll have time after! Until next time.....unless Nevy decides to push buttons & flip my computer screen up side down again! lol


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

As the world goes by...

I know it's been like FOREVER lol but things have been nuts this last month! I've had a party pretty much everyday Sat & Sun this whole last month. Things are finally slowing down. So I thought I'd do a kiddie update!

Nevy- is her usual happy self. Still doing wonderful with the potty & no accidents. She is now starting to realize the difference between English & Spanish. Before she would count to 5 in English & 6-10 in Spanish lol. Now we have to ask her to do it all in one language. She is picking up on a lot more Spanish words. Though she has always understood Spanish (thanks to Daddy) she has never really "spoke" to many words but she is getting better now. She is going to be starting a Pre pre-school program in the fall (if I ever decided which one I want to put her in lol) & is soooo excited about "Sakool" lol.

Ari- is a force that can't be stopped lol. She is determind to catch up with Celi. She is sitting unsupported most of the time but still has slight tipping over issues lol. She can now pick herself up off the ground on her hands and knees. She isn't "rocking" yet but that is b/c her back isnt strong enough to hold her up long. The OT says she will be crawling in a few weeks. She is even starting to hold her bottle.....FINALLY! Lazy girl! The only bad thing is her throat muscles are not getting better & she is still having trouble with soilds. So we have to make a Dr.'s appt for a swallow study to see whats going on but other then that she is my happy girl.

Celi- is a dare devil! I swear she is going to give me a heart attack! She is starting to pull up on things now & instead of hanging on she lets go. She actually thinks its funny when she goes flying backwards & lands on a pillow....yeah the pillow is a must or my kid would crack her crazy head on the hard wood floors lol. Her favorite is to pull on your shrit to stand and then use your lap to jump on. Yeah I know she's weird lol. Celi is also crawling backwards. It's more of an army crawl but sometimes she gets on her knees & does it. I hope she learns forward soon b/c she is always backing up over Ari. :)

So thats it for the kids. They are all doing really good. I'm so blessed to have such good girls. :)

As for me I've lost 12lbs in the last 5 weeks which is AWESOME! Yay me! lol I'm dying to go back to work but I dont want to put the Twins in daycare. So for now I'm still a SAHM ;)


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Extra! Extra!

Where to start???....

Good news or BEST news first?

Guess I'll start with the good news lol....

Nevy is pretty much potty trained!! WOO HOO! She has not had an "accident" in over a week & is going poop without any problems! I still use a diaper at night but 99% of the time she stays dry. She is now telling us when she has to go when we are out & will even use other peoples bathrooms (like grandmas). I'm so proud of her. She is such a big girl now! So as I promised she gets to go to the zoo. Since her birthday party is next weekend we will probably go after that. She is VERY excited to see the tigers & monkeys! lol

Some more good news....

The Twins are going through a "growth spurt". They are eating like little piggys! They take 7oz bottles 3-4 times a day & 4-8oz in soilds 1-2 times a day. Their night bottles are now 10oz!!! Chubby chubby girls!

Celi is about 17.5lbs now (according to my scale). She is starting to feed herself finger foods. She LOVES baby cookies & toast. Anything she can chew on makes her happy...even the remote lol.

Ari is about 16.5lbs (according to my scale). Her thearpy is going so good. She is getting stronger every day. She is still having issues with eating soilds but is getting a lot better. She is such a happy baby. She smilies at EVERYTHING! :)

And for the BEST news.....

Ya ready??....

Ya sure???.....


I've lost 7lbs in 3 weeks! Yeah ME!! lol Yeah I know I'm a dork lol but I'm happy that my meds are working & I'm finally starting to feel "normal". You dont realize how crappy PCOS makes you feel until you finally feel normal again. Anyway...

We have a busy week with Nevy's 3rd birthday coming up. So if I don't have a chance to blog before then....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY ANGEL BABY! You truely are a gift from Heaven! Mommy & Daddy went through sooooo much to have you. Your our miracle baby & will always be a blessing. We love you so much!

Nevaeh Ines 7/28/07 @9:39pm
5lbs 10oz

1st B-day

2nd B-day

3rd B-day