I guess the short answer is...life. The longer answer takes me through a journey I never thought I'd see. One that tested everything I knew about myself, my kids and my family.
I can now divide my life into two parts. The part where everything I ever knew ended and the beginning of something amazing happening....
"The untold ending"
I wish the ending to this chapter in my life was great, but it wasn't. It was emotionally draining, confusing and down right depressing.
I think most of us have this need to project a certain appearance to the world. One we attempt to hold up at all costs....even the cost of our own happiness. I can't say I didn't know what was happening, only that I didn't want the world to know how unhappy I really was. I can't say I even remember when it started exactly. I know it started before 2011 but the exact time is a blur. At some point in 2011 my marriage came to a screeching halt and with it my projection of a perfect life crumbled. Cheating, abuse....it was all things I knew happened to others, but not me...I was living the perfect life. How could this happen to ME? I prefer to keep the details to a minimum but lets say things ended really bad. The discovery of another child conceived during my marriage was enough of a tipping point to wake me up from my "daydream" of fixing things. I felt like I was thrown into a deep, dark hole and as more things happened and more truths were told the light was starting to disappear. My kids are the only reason I ate, got out of bed and functioned. I lived and breathed for them. My heart hurt, I felt betrayed, judged and depressed. During all of this I had a life line I didn't even know about. A recent friendship made, one that I didn't take a second glance at...not until he opened the dark hole I was laying in and showed me the light....
"The new beginning"
The Netherlands....yes that is a country (now about 80% of people reading this will have to google where it is but if I said "Holland" about 60% still wouldn't know where it is. After saying "Amsterdam" that drops to about 30% of people still in the dark of this magical wonderful place). So what does this small country have to do with my new life? It's where it all started...
I meet the person who would turn out to be my best friend in the entire world online. They lived in the Netherlands. At first I didn't pay much attention to this new friendship, I've made a lot over the years and I was in a very dark place emotionally. Apparently they knew something I didn't. Call it a feeling, a calling...whatever...but they didn't give up on me. Not like everyone else that just assumed my life was still great or that I would "get over what was happening". No this special person told me "don't accept less than what you deserve" but what did I deserve?...Happiness? a chance to be happy? I didn't know and it didn't matter. They encouraged me. They nurtured me. They showed me how to live again. I often say that it was like looking into a bright light....that blinding feeling of having to trust yourself to jump without "seeing" and jump I did....right into the arms of an amazing Dutchman.
Jori- He was never what I expected. Heck he still isn't lol. He makes me laugh when I want to cry, he wipes away my tears and fights away my fears. He holds me "just because he can" and he kisses me "just because he can't get enough". I never believed in a "soulmate" but if I did...he is mine. My other half, the burning light in my heart. I never knew I could love someone more than myself or my children. At first I thought it might be "unhealthy" to feel this way. Our society sure makes you feel that way but what I have with him is the healthiest relationship in the world. I pray my daughters find what we share someday. This soul deep connection, this unending love.
On Sept 28th 2012 I married the man that saved me, not from my ex but from myself. I thought I knew love. I thought I knew connection, hell I thought I knew everything lol But then he entered my life. He changed me in a way no one ever has or ever will. It's not about the man he is, it's about the women he makes me want to be.
"Even on the darkest days you are my sunlight, even when it's pouring you are my umbrella and during the toughest storms you are my rock.
They say when you met that other part of your soul you just know. Some people search forever for that perfect other half. I am so grateful that I found mine when I did. So grateful for all the lessons you taught me, the forgiveness, the love, the compassion and the humility.
You make me laugh when I want to cry and you make my soul sing when it wants to run. You are imperfectly perfect in my eyes and I love you so very much."
I forgave my ex, but most important I forgave myself. In doing so I set myself free. I can love without condition and feel without bounds.
"True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly" He sees me perfectly <3
Now onto the kids...
Nevaeh- My bright wonderful daughter. Always the "Mommy". She progressed into school with a bang. Making her friends and teachers adore her. The twins on the other hand were drove nuts with her constant hoovering and telling on them. The "sisterly rivalry" started early in this house lol. Nevy's temper still gets the best of her and of course she is stubborn as a mule but she has this heart of gold that just makes you melt. I still can't believe she is 7 years old. She is my A student and our family athlete. Always busy and never idle. To see the beautiful girl she has grown into has been a blessing. The extraordinary women she will be some day makes me so very proud of her.
Arianna- My little caterpillar....it took awhile for her to find her inner butterfly. Many many Dr. appts, specialists and therapists. We learned that she was born with Hypotonia (low muscle tone), sensory processing disorder and left sided weakness. She has been a trooper through it all. Every day she surprises me with how she won't give up. She is so smart and pays attention to details others miss. Very much my "book worm". At 5 years old she is still my smallest child. Fitting into 3T clothes and tiny on the growth chart but no worries what she lacks in size she makes up in attitude lol. She still has so much to learn but I see her determination will never leave her and I adore her for this.
Araceli- Still my "Silly Celi". She has a temper and stubbornness to rival Nevy's but some of the best humor I could ask for. Always my caring child. She loves babies and always asks if someone is okay. She makes friends with ease and loves to color. Her jokes are not always funny but her personality makes you smile no matter how hard you try not to. She is my cuddler and baby still even at 5 years old. Celi has a spirit that is contagious. She will make an amazing mother some day. As it is now we have to stop her from trying to steal other peoples babies. Her caring heart makes her my most precious child.
So what happened to me??
I grew up, I opened my eyes to a better world. One where I don't pretend to be happy but truly am. As my scars have healed so has my heart. I look forward to everyday with my children and could not ask for a better step-father and partner. My kids adore Jori and love him as much (if not more) that I do. He is the glue that brought us back together. I am back to being a SAHM (stay at home mom) though my time in the work force was short. I realized my children need me more now than ever. I don't want to miss a second of their lives. They have grown in what feels like a blink of the eye. I cherish every moment of everyday I spend with them.
So that is the ending and the beginning of my life. This blog started as a way for me to remember a small part of my life. I won't take down or rewrite the past because the past is what made me who I am today. It reminds me of the good times and the bad. And who knows maybe I will blog my next pregnancy too....
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